In Bionic Commando, you're a soldier with no jumping ability—because who needs knees when you have a grappling arm? Swing through 1988 DOS architecture like a pixelated Tarzan, blasting bad guys and trying not to fall to your death every five seconds. It's like Contra met Spider-Man, had a disagreement about controls, and made up over explosions. The story involves rescuing a super-soldier named Super Joe, which sounds like someone who works out at 5 a.m. and drinks protein shakes with battery acid. It’s clunky, it’s weird, and it’s somehow glorious.
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