Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist manual - The Modern Day Book of Health and Hygiene
- Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist
- manual
The Modern Day Book of Health and Hygiene
Introduction
Mankind has made phenomenal strides in the diagnosis and
treatment of disease. No longer are we taking the naive
viewpoint of our ancestors, pointing our fingers at the sick and
scabrous and crying, "Gadzooks, he's infested by evil spirits
and daemons!" No, we now know that thye root causes of disease
are far less eatheral and far more commonplace: some are caused
by the collection of toxins within the system, and some are
caused by poorly-shaped or missing bumps on the skull. The
former we shall address in this, "The Modern Day Book of Health
and Hygiene"; the latter is well covered in my companion volume,
"The Modern Day Book of Sharp Blows to the Head."
To effectively use this book, you will want to stock your
medicine chest with the various items listed in part 1, "The
Household Pharmacopoeia." Every item listed can be located for
purchase at your local general merchandise store, at a large
metropolitan pharmacy, or from me at my associated firm,
Lipschitz Excelsior Total Chemicals and Household Supplies,
Catalog available upon request; we feature top-quality
merchandise at competiotive prices. Write me in care of my
publisher and we'll have you stocked and fully prepared for all
medical emergencies and home treatments in a thrice.
In the reference section, you'll find an alphabetical
listing of many common ailments and disease, as well as a
complete description of the most modern and up-to-date
treatments medical science and phrenology have to offer. Some of
the treatments are cross- referenced under their own headings,
for ease of use.
Although we have taken great pains to make this the most
complete and comprehensive home physician book available, there
are no doubt questions you may have concerning treatments and
recuperative processes. We will be utterly happy to answer any
and all questions put to us, via post, at the nominal charge of
$0.55 per question. Stamps are not accepted.
Herewith, then, to your good health, good fortune, and good
healing!
PART I: The Household Pharmacopoeia
The following is a list of desireable household equipment
for proper treatment of common ailments, and for creating the
balms, salves, liquids and tablets described forthwith. All
items may be purachased through us or at finer pharmecological
equipment stores nationwide.
Note: the usual household medicine cabinet is somewhat on
the small side for the amount of equipment we suggest.
Therefore, we also recommend a larger than average medicine
cabinet to hold this equipment. Something about the size of a
small banquet hall should be sufficient.
Alcohol Lamp
Balance & Weights
Bandages
Beakers, Assorted Sizes
Bottles, Assorted Sizes
Burette Corks, Assorted Sizes
Cotton Balls
Cotton Swabs
Cross-Cut Saw
Crucible Flasks, Assorted Sizes
Funnels, Assorted Sizes
Graduated Cylinder
Undergraduated Cylinder
Post-Graduated Cylinder
Litmus Paper
Gas Spectroscope
Measuring Spoons
Medical Dispensing Papers
Medicine Dropper
Mortar & Pestle
Petri Dishes, Assorted Sizes
Pill-making Machine
Pipettes
Pumice Stones
Retort
Router
Spatulas
Test Tubes
Test Tube Rack or Holder
Thermometer (ORAL)
Thermometer (RECTAL)
Thermometer (NASAL)
Thermometer (OUTDOOR)
Tourniquets
You will also requirethe following chemicals andd
pherishables:
AFRINIMIACIDE
A powerful anti-swelling agent. See: NOSE DROPS
AMINOPHYLLIC CITRATE
An extremely powerful cure for temporary (Non-Acute)
flatulence, in man or beast. Should Aminophyllic Citrate be
unavailable, it may be created in the home laboratory:
Combine 40 Grams Sodium Bicarbonate with 15 ml
Furachlordone. Pour into beaker. Dilute with water to make
100 ml. Add 5 grams Magnesium Sulfate, stir the mixture well
using only a pure glass rod. Pour into medicine bottle and
cork. mix 1:1000 with water.
AMMONIA
A colorless, pungent gas, achieved through dry distillation
of nitrogenous organic bodies such as blood and bones. Not
recommended for synthesis at home. When infused with water,
often called "Spirits of Hartyshorn". Soluble ammonia is a
decent disinfectant... and it doesnt leave streaks!
AMMONIUM CARBONATE
Pungent crystals, often called "Smelling Salts".
ANALGESIC RUB
One of the greatest hoaxes ever perpetrated upon the
unwitting public, and a darn fine one, too. Does not
actually provide any medication as analgesics work on the
brain and not on localized sites. However by creating a
stinging or burning discomfort on the skin, it
effectivelydistracts from the ache or pain for which the rub
is used. See: RUBEFACENT. Often fools senior citizens and
adults; unfortunately children cannot be decieved quite as
easily. A jocular item to keep around the locker room.
ANESTHETIC
Important to have at all times. Whisky and other high-proof
alcoholic beverages will serve; ether, chloroform and a
sharp blow to the head will also suffice. Biting down on
bullets is only recommended provided the bullet is facing
outward from the head and away from innocent bystandars. ANTACID
There are numerous antacids available. Most appear to be
combinations of Sodium Bicarbonate and Calcium Carbonate.
See: SODIUM BICARBONATE, CALCIUM CARBONATE. Extract of Swiss
Lemon Creme is useful to make these more palatable
.
ASPIRIN
An anitpyretic, antirheumatic, analgesic pill consisting of
the acetyl derivative of salicylic acid. So far, the basic
usage seems to be for keeping cut flowers from wilting, but
new experimental uses are being explored all the time.
BALM
An ointment or liniment, rubbed on external sites to provide
temporary symtomatic relief of aches, pains, bruises and
other localized pain. Oil of Belladonna and Nightshade Jelly
are two particularly effective balms; however, it is
inadvisable to take them internally.
BIMETHYLQUINOLINE
A crystalline substance used in the manufacture of certain
drugs. Hard-to-find but well worth a trip to the Joliet
Bimenthylquinnoline Mines to pick up some freshly hewm
granules.
BISALICYLATE ANTITOXIDENE
Has been found to be an effective, albeit highly powerful,
compound in the correction of diarrhea, although it is not
normally recommended for individuals due to its extreme
concentration and possibility for overdose, with subsequent
dire consequences. Best when taken with vast quantities of
water. Storage may be a problem due to short shelf life. May
be synthesized as follows: Combine 25 ml of Bismuth
Subsalicylate with 5 ml of Orphenamethihydride in a test
tube. Heat over flame until mixture begins to boil. Pour
into medicine bottle and cork. Remove from flame and dilute
with one thousand gallons of water (approximately). Makes
enough Bisalicylate Antitoxidene for four thousand doses.
BISMUTH ENTEROSALICYLINE
Used in the compounding of drugs such as BeinByate, Lezl-E
Neelcin, Sudabum, and Quinotrazate
.
BISMUTH SUBSALICYLATE
Primarily prescribed as a stoll darkener. Some believe it to
be efficacious in a variety of digestive aids.
BLEACH
A catch-all name for any of a variety of chemicals which can
leech color, but often referring specifically to Sodium
Hypochlorite, an oxidizing compound. Sodium Hypochlorate can
also be used as a decontamination agent for various types of
gases. Apply to liver spots thrice daily; will not eradicate
liver spots but will certainly irritate them into forming
scabs, thus disguising them.
BORAX
Also known as "20 Mule Team Borax". A white crystalline
compound used as an antiseptic, as a food preservative, for
various medical purposes and as a flux. Found native as
"tincal" and with a sweet, alkaline taste.
BORIC ACID
A white crystalline compound, used as a mild antiseptic and
sometimes as a preservative. Found in volcanic lagoons of
Tuscany, Italy. Really.
CAFFEINE
A reletively new ingredient in the home medicine arsenal.
Currently used mainly as a flavoring agent in coffee,
chocolate, and the new carbonated beverages. But believed by
many modern-day physicians to sooth agitated nerves and calm
excitable children. experimentation is currently underway to
confirm this.
CALAMINE LOTION
A soothing pink lotion consisting of zinc and ferric oxide
in a suspension. Useful for a variety of skin ailments.
Comforting to victim, only because it brings to mind when
grandma used to take you for long walks in the poison ivy
and then had to slather you with the stuff afterwards.
Remember?
CALCIUM CARBONATE
Used to provide that much sought-after "chalky" texture for
antacids, laxatives, diuretics, and other bowel related
liquid medications. Can be synthesized in the home thusly:
Take one 5-inch length of schoolhouse chalk. Grind in a
mortar until a fine powdery consistency is achieved. Use 1
gm powder per dosage as recommended.
CALCIUM CITRATE
Added to make certain children's medication more palatable.
In pill-based medications, imparts a malleable texture
allowing you to mold the pills into the dinosaur shapes
children love to eat (except for Betty)!
CARBON
Also known as granulated charcoal. Despite the mess and
inconvenience, carbon makes a serviceable deodorant, and can
even be used to filtersome gaseous fumes, such as methane,
from air to make it breathable. Cheap and readily available.
CASTOR OIL
Primarily used to prove to children who's really the boss
around this house, and your gonna take thios and go straight
to bed or wish you had of!
CHLOROFORM
A delightful additive to heighten the enjoymentgained from
certain highly-alcoholic remedies and elixirs. Also used as
a sedative with humans and animals.
CODEINE
The narcotic of choice when compounding expectorants and
couch suppressants. May create nausea upon consumption;
fortunately, the narcotic effect ensures that the patient
does not care about the nausea.
COPPER SULFATE
Bluestone. Used to achieve a pleasant color in many
preparations. Can also be added to non-medicated drinks to
produce bizarre and amusing efects. Breaks the ice at
parties.
COUGH DROPS
Edible tablets of soothing or medicinally-treated candy.
COUGH SYRUP
Some suppress coughs, some cause the patient to expectorate
(cough up phlegm). Preparations that claim to do both are
useless and cancel each other out. can be synthesized at
home as follows: to 20 ml Mercuriomuculate Dioxide, add 15
gm Essence of Butyrachrome. Heat slowly until dissolved.
cool. stopper. shake. Dosage: 1tsp per hour as needed.
DIURETIC
A medication that stimulates the secretion and flow of
urine. Beer appears to be extremely efficacious. The saying
goes, "You cant buy a diuretic... you can only rent one!"
EAR DROPS
Often a gentle formulation of Hydrogen Peroxide, designed to
slowly dissolve accumulations of ear wax that may be causing
blockages or exacerbating infections. Use caution when
applying; remember the rule of thumb: never place anything
larger than your elbow in your ear.
ELIXIR
A general term used in hundreds of liquid "patent
medicines". May contain herbal or synthetic chemicals, or a
combination of those. Most elixirs have, in common, an
extremely high alcohol content, often up to 95% of the
contents of the bottle. Thus, they may be more effective in
creating flambes than in battling illness.
ENTEROMAGNELINE
Used in the formulation of Testostearate, Einbinder
Digestive Salts, Myomiomy, and other remedies. Warning:
Should not be consumed by those with "I'm allergic to
Enteromagneline" medic alert badges, medic alert rings,
medic alert necklaces, medic alert cloisonnes, or medic
alert cameos.
EPSOM SALTS See: MAGNESIUM SULFATE
ESTROSTERANE
Can be used tom prevent conception after marital relations.
Normally available only by prescription. May be produced in
the home as follows: Grind 15 gm of Bimethylquinoline
crystals and 15 gm of powdered Metyraphosphate in a mortar.
Prepare 5 gm dosages on pure sheets of medicinal dispensing
paper. Recommended maximum dosage: 1 box of six.
ETHYL ALCOHOL
The woman who invented the hangover. Also a convenient fluid
in which to dissolve many compounds, having a higher
solvency factor than plain, boring old water.
EYE DROPS
Despite claims to the contrary, water is all that is needed
in most cases where eye drops or eyewash is required. Eye
drops may be useful to flush foreign objects from the
surface of the eyeball, or to moisten dry eyes. To prevent
dry eyes, try not to rub your eyes with a rough, absorbent
towel.
EYEWASH See: Eye Drops
FORMALDEHYDE
A toxic, unpleasantly-scented preserving gel. Should any
organs or limbs need to be preserved for any reason, plunge
immediately into a jar of formaldehyde once the vital fluids
have been drained.
FURACHLORDONE
Used in the manufacture of Aminophyllic Citrate, Limnotic
Knidphyte, Chloroslychmun, and other popular medications.
Also useful as a topical remedy for poison ive, poison oak,
poison sumac, poison honeysuckle, and poison lily-of-the-
valley.
IPECAC
Usually proffered in syrup form. Causes instant and severe
vomiting, useful in the event of accidental poisoning. also
tremendous fun when secretly added to the chocolate syrup
dispensers of competing pharmacies.
ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL
Used in perfumery and as a solvent; can also be used for
rubdowns and as a topical refresher. Bracing. Do Not Drink
LAXATIVE
A purgative; something that enables the body to better void
or eliminate fecal matter. Psyllium husk is a good natural
laxative; many fiber-rich foods also have a natural laxative
effect. See: CALCIUM CARBONATE, MILK OF MAGNESIA, MINERAL
OIL, PSYLLIUM.
LEECHES
They're not just for breakfast anymore! Yes, we've
discovered that leeches are not only superb delicacies, but
useful for cleansing the blood and removing toxins. Standard
dosage: three leeches at a time, left for one hour. to draw
blood from localized injuries, place the leeches on the
bruised or contused sites.
LINIMENT
See: BALM
LOTION
A medicated liquid, usually thick and creamy, used for
cleansing or to aid in healing any diseased or contused
external area. Most topical remedies may be made into a
lotion by suspending in a lanolin Solution.
MAGNESIUM SULFATE
Commonly known as "Epsom Salts". Not useful per se as a
medication or component, but definitely helpful when your
epsoms taste a little too bland.
MERCURIC CHLORIDE
Also referred to as "Zenker's Solution". A strength-building
compound useful as an adjunct in male hormone treatments. In
just seven days, it can make you a man!
MERCUROCHROME
Dyes minor flesh wounds bright pink, making them easier for
others to spot and comment upon. No medical value whatsoever.
METYRAPHOSPHATE
An anti-conceptuant when used in conjunction with
Bimethylquinoline according to labratory specs.
MILK OF MAGNESIA
A milky aqueous suspension of magnesium hydroxide; usefulas
both a laxative and antacid. See: ANTACID, LAXATIVE. And it
tastes good, too! See: CALCIUM CARBONATE
MINERAL OIL
A generic term encommpassing various oils derived from
inorganic matter, esp. petroleum & petroleum by-products An
effective laxative, See: Laxative. Really really nasty stuff.
MUSTARD PLASTER
A thick poultice of powdered mustard and flour, used as a
counterirritant and rubefacient.
NEO-SYNECTIDE
A powerful anti-swelling agent, used in nose drops and asthma
medications See: NOSE DROPS
NITRABYLOCYNINE
By itself, an emollientm, but when combined with compounds to
be orally ingested, Nitrabylocynine aids in the absorbtion
through the stomach lining, Gives you that "get up and GO!"
feeling (as well as that "get out of the way!" feeling).
NOSE DROPS
In case of blockage of the nasal passages, nose drops may be
prescribed to shrink swelling of the mucus membranes and thus
open breathing tubes. Unfortunately, most nose drops result in
"Rebound Effect" wherein once the effects of the drops have worn
off, the membranes re-engorge, often to an even greater extent.
Disgusting but profitable for the pharmacist!
ORPHENAMETHIHYDRIDE
A desalinization compound. Also a handy substitute for vermouth.
PEPTICLYMACINE TETRAZOLE
Effective aid in treatment of the vapors. Available from
Furnette Formulas, Cincinatti , Ohio. Pepticlymacine Tetrazole
is an acceptable substitute for Tyloxpolynide. Dispense at 40 ml
per bottle.
PETROLEUM JELLY
A think get of petroleum by-product, useful to cover first
degree burns or to help in the hydration of chapped or dry skin.
Also makes a fabulous skin lubricant for those occasions when
you anticipate rubbing a lot of skin together.
QUINOTRAZATE
A highly efficacious and useful medictaion when taken orally at
a dosage of NTE 60 mg/day. To prepare: to 15 ml. of Dismuth
Enterosalicyline, add 30 gm of Phenodol Oxytriglychlorate to
produce Quinotrazate. Mix together in a glass beaker. Stir the
mixture well using only a pure clean glass rod. Process into
pill form. Usual dosage is 21 pills.
STYPTIC PENCIL
A white chalk-like tube of highly astringent compound, designed
specifically to staunch the flow of blood, especially in shaving
accidents. Less useful for larger wounds, such as those
involving farm equipment. Indirectly useful for stimulating
tear ducts and provoking loud sounds. Available from Ow-Chi
Imports, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
SUPPOSITORIES
A most unusual and intriguing means of delivering medication to
the lower bowels and sigmoid. Consists of a medicated lozenge
which dissolves at body temperature, inserted rectally. Good
for the treatment of hemorrhoids and Gere's Gerbil Syndrome.
TESTOSTERATE
5 ml. of Testosterate administered orally twice daily will add
masculinity to the lightest male. To prepare: Combine 10 ml. of
Phenolsulphonphthalien liquid with 30 gm. of Enteromagneline
powder in a beaker. Bring to a boil. Allow to cool ever so
slightly before adding 5 gm. of Reserpicline Oxide. Dilute with
enough Nitrabylocynine to make 75 ml. of Testosterate. Stir.
Pour into medicine bottle and cork.
TETRACYCLINE
An experimental drug, but one worth taking for certain
unmentionable diseases (like the Pox...whoops, now we mentioned
it). Try 500 mg 4x daily for 10 days. Sure did the trick for
me; now Lulu and I are good friends again.
THIOURACILIUM
First of a new class of drugs called "analgesics," designed to
relieve tension and ache in the anal region. Two tablets every
four hours as needed.
TYLOXPOLYNIDE
An effective aid in the treatment of the vapors. Not possible
to synthesize in the home laboratory, however, substitutions are
permissible. (See: PEPTICLYMACINE TETRAZOLE.) Available from
D. B. Aze & Sons, Baltimore, Maryland.
UREAPHILOFINE
Liquid version of Ureaphine, used to alleviate the dreaded
"purple urine" syndrome common to small children who have
ingested purple crayons. A highly specialized drug, but keep it
on hand just in case.
VALERECTAL DINOCTUM
Similar in function to Syrup of Ipecac, but causes reverse
peristalsis in the sigmoid. Creates a loud case of acute
borgrythmus and prevents the patient from evacuating for at
least 12 hours. Useful when the plumbing is out.
WISMUTOXYJODOGENOMYLON
Often prescribed to treat bruises and contusions of the tongue,
normally brought on by attempting to pronounce the name of the
chemical. An ingenious drug, albeit with limited usage.
WITCH HAZEL
A North American shrub, the fluid extract of which makes an
extremely effective astringent, tightening and drying the skin.
This makes it useful for cleansing acne of other oily skin,
soothing bruises and sprains, refreshing, etc. Also spelled
"wych hazel."
PART 2
HOME PROCEDURES
In an emergency, prompt and courteous treatment is a must. The
guide below will instruct you in providing aid for the most
mundane illnesses and conditions, from setting a broken leg to
reviving the victim of a heart attack. More serious emergencies
had best be referred to your local physician or hospital.
ACNE
Acne was once thought to be an eruption of bad yellow bile.
Technically, while it still appears to be an eruption of bad
yellow bile, we know it to be caused by foreign goods, such as
the French food pommes de terr frites, Swiss chocolate, etc.
Curiously, acne appears to subside with the cessation of the
process known as "pubescence," but upon examination, this is
logical: during pubescence, there is a craving for exotic foods
and the need to "break away" or "rebel" from more proper foods
such as corn meal mush, cactus and buffalo. Until these urges
abate post-pubescence, a return to the basics will go a long way
to alleviate most serious acne. And occasions facial scrubbing
with lye soap and a pumice stone is also recommended to remove
those annoying pustules!
BROKEN BONES
These are a common hazard and, contrary to popular belief, do
not require professional medical attention. If a limb is
broken, merely adjust the bones using a straight-edge ruler
until they line up properly. Then bind the bones with a
"splint" (a two-by-four tied with several kerchiefs) so that
they remain in line for at least a week or two. The break, once
healed, will actually be stronger than the original
bone...although we do NOT recommend you break each and every
bone just to create stronger and healthier limbs!
Occasionally, bones other than limbs will also break (ribs,
skull, pelvis, shoulder blades); these cannot be set using a
splint. Fortunately, these tend to heal on their own when left
alone. Try to avoid placing undue or uncomfortable pressure on
these bones for several weeks or until firmly set.
BRUISES
These are simply the result of broken blood vessels underneath
the skin, a natural and spontaneous occurrence which should not
be viewed as serious. However, they are unsightly and can be
painful. See the above Pharamacopoeia for several alleviatein
substances, most notably the application of several leeches to
the immediate area. The discoloration should quickly subside.
Note that in some cases, the bruises may actually swell or
raise the surface of the skin. These are merely pools of blood;
to eradicate the swelling, simply "squish" the blood around to
the surround tissue and even out the surface. This is best
accomplished with a standard kitchen rolling pin.
BURNS
There is a saying in the medical profession: "The only people
who get burns are the people that deserve them." This is our
way of saying that burns can nearly always be prevented simply
by being attentive, aware, alert and intelligent.
Nonetheless, there are many -- most notably children -- who
will occasionally suffer from burns. In either event, the
application of a soothing balm or calamine lotion will aid in
healing and reduce the chance of infection. However, it is
generally understood by doctors that they will not treat burns
that were arrive at through the clumsiness and stupidity. Pain
and a rapidly spreading infection are excellent and constant
reminders of the need to be cautious when dealing with heat and
flame.
CHOKING
Choking is caused by a foreign object or wayward chunk of food
being lodged in the windpipe. Fast, thoughtful action is a must
if choking victim is going to be saved from asphyxiation.
First, ascertain that the victim is indeed choking. If the
victim gags violently and turns blue, this may simply mean that
the victim has swallowed something extremely cold and
distasteful. Cover the victim with blankets and provide plenty
of strongly flavored hot tea.
Should you determine that the victim is indeed choking, the
first course of action is to force the victim to swallow as much
liquid as possible; the weight of the liquid may be enough to
propel the lodged object further down the gulled and,
eventually, into the stomach where it belongs.
If this does not seem to work, take your command household
plunger (also knows as the "plumber's helper") and apply it
around the mouth and nose of the victim. Three of four quick
plunges will dislodge any item. Sometimes just the smell of the
thing will help bring something up!
COLDS & INFLUENZA
The saying goes, "Feed a fever, starve a cold." Mankind has
yet to determine the precise cause of the common cold. we are,
though, reasonably sure that certain activities can trigger the
onset of a cold: walking in cold weather without a coat of some
sort; sitting in a both whose water has gone cold; getting wet
and not drying off promptly.
While there is no cure for a cold, there are symptomatic
treatments. How beverages will soothe a sore throat and promote
the loosening of phlegm in the chest. Placing ice cubes in the
nostril will draw the cold up and out the nose, away from the
chest and throat. Attaching clothes pins to the lips will push
infected blood away from the head and closer to the heart, where
the immune system ins strongest. And placing a vacuum pump down
the esophagus will help draw away the accumulated phlegm.
While none of these treatments will cure the cold, they will go
a long way towards making the cold sufferer more comfortable.
CONSTIPATION
Constipation is an unnatural hardening of the stool, making
voiding difficult and strenuous. If unchecked, it can lead to
hemorrhoids and other afflictions of the lower bowels.
The key to curing a bout of constipation is to eat plenty of
soft, liquidy foods. Some of the best are: soft or melted
cheese, milk, butter, eggs, cooked beef and melted chocolate.
Laxatives such as Psyllium are also recommended, but only when
more natural remedies fail.
CORNS
Corns are horny thickening of cuticle, typically found on the
feet; in animals, esp. horses, corns refer to a morbid condition
of the fore hoof resulting in inflammation of the horn (produced
by tissue damage to the sole). Corns can usually be made better
simply by picking at them; soaking them briefly to soften them
first helps make them more pickable.
CROUP
Can refer either to a general inflammation of the larynx,
resulting in a painful spasm or cough, or to a specific
condition in which a false membrane develops over the throat
accompanying the coughing and spasms.
Croup is best treated by the ingestion of hard, rough-textured
food such as rock candy (swallowed in chunks) and bread crusts,
and highly acidic foods such as freshly squeezed lemon juice or
vinegar. The rough-textured foods crape the infected tissue off
the throat an into the stomach, where the digestive juices will
dissolve it; the acidic foods also "burn off" the infection and
thus soothe the inflamed tissue.
DEHYDRATION
Is caused by a lack of fluid in the body. Under ideal
circumstances, the body produces enough fluid to sustain life on
its own; we drink to satisfy thirst, not to prevent dehydration.
This when a person exhibits the sighs of dehydration (flaking
of skin, falling hair, dry eyeballs that refuse to blink, etc.),
do NOT give the patient additional fluids! Given enough time,
the body must learn to produce these fluids itself! Ingesting
fluids into the body will only delay dehydration and prevent the
body from developing its own natural defenses!
DIARRHEA
Diarrhea is caused by too many soft, liquidy foods finding
their way into your digestive system. Unchecked, it can lead to
dehydration. It may be cured quickly and cleanly by eating
quantities of solid foods, or foods with stiffening ingredients
like pectin, such as: fibrous breads, apples, cruciferous
vegetables like broccoli and cauliflower, etc. ( see:
BISALICYLATE ANTITOXIDENE.)
FEVER
The saying goes, "Feed a cold, starve a fever." In this case,
"starving" refers to not giving a fever what it wants: warmth.
A person suffering from an elevated temperature (anything above
98.6 when take with an oral thermometer, above 99.6 when take
with a rectal thermometer, 97.6 when take with a nasal
thermometer, or 84.3 when take with an outdoor thermometer)
should be immersed in ice water until the fever breaks.
FLATULENCE
Properly treating flatulence, whether in man or beast, requires
diagnosing the source of the offensive odor. Obtain a sample of
the gaseous matter (any simple container, such as a paper bag,
will suffice). Place your gas spectroscope (you do still have
that old gas spectroscope out in the barn, don't you?) in front
of a lit alcohol lamp or Bunsen burner. Burn the gas on the
flame and observe the spectra readout and treat with the
appropriate solution:
Apples 'n Brown Sugar-Cinnamon
(treatment: Sodium Bicarbonate)
Excess Acid or Excess Carbon Dioxide
(treatment: Nitrabylocynine)
Caramel
(treatment: Quinine)
Meaty By-Products
(treatment: Bisalicylate Antitoxidene)
Lentils
(treatment: Aminophyllic Citrate)
HEART ATTACK
One of the most feared sicknesses of all time, heart attack is
the result of a sickly constitution. Preventive medicine is
best. A healthy constitution must be fomented by a varied,
healthy diet. Eat plenty of rare red meat, liver, pork, eggs
cream, cheeses, and fried foods; supplement this with homegrown
vegetables such as potatoes, corn and peas; pure white bread for
liver; and fruits when available (however, be warned: fruits may
contain worms and other impurities and should only be eaten
sparingly).
In the event of a heart attack, the victim may feel shooting
pains in the left arm and centralized pain in the chest. The
patient should immediately grasp the wrist to feel the pulse,
breath shallowly, turn pale, sweat, and say, "Oh, no! I'm
coming, Esther!" over and over in order to stay awake.
Crumpling to the floor is optional. After a period of panic,
bed rest is prescribed, accompanied by heavy dosages of
self-recrimations for an unhealthy lifestyle.
HEARTBURN
Esophagitis, a burning sensation of indigestion that manifests
itself in the upper abdomen. Antacids may be used to alleviate
the symptoms temporarily, but in chronic cases, an esophagotomy
may be required. This surgery s best performed in a hospital or
barber shop.
HEMORRHOIDS
Also known as "piles," characterized by a swollen mass of
varicose veins in the rectum, which sometimes protrudes in a
manner resembling grapes, and...you don't really want to hear
this, do you? Good, because I'm getting just a wee bit nauseous
talking about it.
Balms and ointments applied to the area may offer symptomatic
relief; however, for longer-lasting relief, a change of diet is
prescribed. Chronic constipation can result in hemorrhoids,
thus the same dietary considerations for that condition may
alleviate hemorrhoids. The rule of thumb is, don't strain.
Take it easy when voiding. If you sit there, it will come.
KIDNEY "STONES"
Small, hard, jagged stones or collections of improperly
metabolized minerals, often calcium, but sometimes other
materials, such as Pez. They can range in size from a
peppercorn to a small pitted cherry, and may often be passed
without any discomfort save that as a man might experience while
birthing a baby through his penile member.
Chronic production of kidney stones may indicate kidney or
liver dysfunction, and the long-term treatment involves dietary
restrictions on foods with any mineral content. This may mean
no dairy products whatsoever, which are calcium-rich, as well as
the exclusion of many meats and vegetables. The most painful
dreary consideration may be to completely eliminate one's intake
of tofu, another calcium-rich food. Many have chosen to learn
to live with kidney stones rather than succumb to their
inability to properly digest tofu.
LACERATIONS
A catchall phrase generally referring to a cut or injury to the
skin. Once upon a time, lacerations were attended to by
cleansing the skin thoroughly and stitching the skin together to
minimize scarring. However, although we still look favorably y
upon cleansing lacerations to avoid infection, we are now
enlightened enough to realize that scars, far from being objects
of scorn and derision, are symbols of fortitude and life
experiences. Rare and rivaled is the man who has no scars to
show for his life on this earth; therefore, we no linger stitch
scars unless they appear life-threatening.
Should you wish to draw attention to particular nasty
laceration, a pat of mercurochrome is always a nice decorative
touch, and the application of peroxide to the laceration, whit
its resulting fizzing and bubbling, always makes for and
impressive show of endurance.
MEASLES
A viral infection causing a spotty red rash, fever, runny nose,
sore eyes, cough, and possibly additional complications,
Untreated (or improperly treated) measles can cause
encephalitis, a dangerous and sometimes fatal inflammation of
the brain.
There is currently no treatment for measles in our stage of
scientific development, other than pushing fluids and taking
aspirin, so just sort of count on encephalitis.
MUMPS
Another acute viral infection (collect the whole series!),
usually confined to the child hood years. Mumps are
characterized by inflammation and swelling of the salivary
glands and, in teenage and adult males, swelling of one or both
testes.
Fortunately, complications are rare, and one bout with mumps
confers future immunity. Analgesics are dictated but there is
no specific cure known at this time. The only long-term side
effect is the social stigma of walking around looking like
you're storing nuts for the winter in your cheek pouches. It is
not unusual to be given nicknames such as "Squirrel cheeks,"
"Dizzy.," or "Brioche Face" while thus afflicted, and these
nicknames may endure for years, causing embarrassment and
ridicule that may endanger psychological health during the
crucial adolescent years.
Just something to look out for.
NAUSEA
The sensation of wanting or needing to vomit. While nausea
itself is not an illness or disease, but rate a symptom, nausea
can be treated with Bismuth Subsalicylate. When a patient
becomes nauseous, do attempt to determine the cause of the
underlying illness. It is interesting to note that although man
is not the only creature to experiences nausea, man IS the only
creature to feel a need to "kneel before the porcelain goddess"
first in order to make the offering.
POISON IVY, POISON OAK, POISON SUMAC
Three species of plants that are both poisonous f take
internally al also liable to cause allergic reactions if touches.
Identifying the plants may go a long way towards preventing
accidental exposure. Poison ivy and poison oak have three
leaves in a cluster; poison sumac has a row of paired leaflets.
Of course, this could describe any of thousands of nonpoisonous
common plants, so the only surefire way of determining whether a
particular plant is poisonous or not is to rub some briskly on
an unimportant, unused part of the body (the head would probably
be appropriate in this case).
First-aid consists chiefly of cleansing the affected area,
swabbing with alcohol and then with calamine lotion. Wash any
clothing that may have come in contact with the plant. People
with extremely sever or unsightly reactions to poison ivy, oak
or sumac should probably be sterilized so as not to pass on this
allergy to the next generation.
POX
A collective term for any of a number of infectious diseases
resulting in blistery, weeping skin eruptions (such as chicken
pox). However, it is also used to refer to a disease also
called "syphilis," inaccurately known as the "love disease"
since it seems to be passed on primarily by outhouse seats with
inadequate openings.
PREGNANCY
A temporary, usually nonfatal condition involving a parasitic
embryo, a host female, and a disinterested third party (usually
a father). The embryo attaches itself to the inside of the
females' uterus and fees off of her blood and other bodily
fluids, growing very rapidly, much like a tapeworm, only
rounder. Fortunately, the parasite usually detaches itself
(See: KIDNEY STONES for a description of the pain involved in
this process.) within 8-9 months, after which its parasitic
tendencies become largely financial in nature.
Fortunately, we now know that pregnancy is entirely preventable
simply by staying home on Friday and Saturday nights.
PSORIASIS & DERMATITIS
Psoriasis is a specific skin condition in which epidermal cells
are manufactured faster that normal and not allowed to mature,
resulting in an excess supply of immature skin cells which flake
off rather that hang around and finish school. It may also
cause heartbreak.
Dermatitis is a general term for any nonspecific inflammation
of the skin, attributable either to allergies or unknown causes.
Eczema, seborrhea, and dandruff are all examples of dermatitis.
Fish oil is believed to help alleviate both psoriasis and other
dermatitis's, but many would rather live with the condition that
walk about smelling of mackerel.
RABIES
An acute viral infection oft the nervous system, usually fatal,
often passed on t humans through contact with animal saliva.
There is no current treatment for rabies.
One of the most commonly acknowledged symptoms is the
ingrossing "foaming at the mouth" bit. This symptom is highly
overrated. The foaming is no big deal; it's not a big frothing
mass like a bubble bath. In fact, it's quite subtle, a thin
foam resembling creme fraiche or a light hollandaise. by the
time you've spotted it, it's usually too late. Cut and run.
SCIATICA
A pain that radiates up and down the sciatic nerve (primary
nerve of the leg.) Spinal injuries are the most common reason
for sciatica, though it may also be caused by tumors, abscesses,
blood clots, or simply by incorrect posture. Treatment consists
of bed rest and analgesics; they symptoms usually disappear
within a few days.
Sciatica, being one of those conditions little understood by
the general public, is an excellent excuse to stay home from
work. "My sciatica's acting up again" is a colorful and quaint
complaint, and since the average Joseph has no idea whether or
not it's contagious, he's likely to grant you a respite from
work until you are better. (Rabies is also a splendid excuse to
stay home from work, but generally only works once.)
SUNBURN
This is simply inflammation due to excess exposure to the sun.
These days, the risk of sunburn may easily be lessened by using
what's called a "sun block." Tar, molasses, white oil paint and
most laxatives, either singly or in combination, make effective
sun blocks.
Should you forget to bring your bucket of tar to the beach,
sunburn may be soothed with an application of calamine lotion.
Alternatively, a rubefacient applied to ate areas NOT affected
by sunburn will at least spread out the discomfort..
SUNSTROKE
Also results from overexposure to direct sun, usually
afflicting those who are unaccustomed to host temperatures.
Sunstroke (and other heatstroke's) are life endangering f not
treated promptly, as the body's heat regulating mechanisms break
down and allow the body to literally overheat.
Fast treatment consists of wrapping the patient, naked, in a
cold, wet sheet. Douse the sheet continuously with extra water,
or repeatedly sponge the victim with cold water. Force-feed the
victim quiescently frozen confections. Continue until ht
patients' internal temperature registers 101 degrees on a recta
thermometer.
WARTS
Contagious but harmless growths on shin or, occasionally, on
mucus membranes.
Warts can be froze off or picked off (be sure your fingernails
are clean), but the most effective treatment for removing or
"fetching" a wart sit that prescribed by Samuel Clemens
involving stump water and a dead cat at midnight. See. TOM
SAWYER..
